Athletics Nation

I'm sorry, I misheard you.  Did you say Oakland still has a baseball team?

and the eager pack lift up their pitchers they carry all they lackey to the sox well captain obvious at least the slegs are cryin who is their ace now colonel saunders aw the league'll fry his nuggets up nice too bad billy bob thornton doesn't live in boston man there's a casting move for the hollywood version except for the screenplay john's dialogue should only consist of one syllable words for purposes of historical accuracy speaking of virgins these Marineros on lookout landing are after about 72 of em right now because like a flock of seagulls they are living in heaven flash forward to 2010 and cliff lee has just thrown his third consecutive no-hitter against oakland he was bored sports fans so for this one he threw blindfolded and righthanded so the a's hitters might have half a chance news flash from the en time machine they didn't and if that wasn't enough reverse schadenfraude for one ten minute stretch here's rich "can't tell the coach he's hurt cuz it's too" harden reunited with ron washington and it feels so good at least until the back goes out and the arm falls off again kinda sucks we will have to face the guy 7 6 5 4 3 uh twice next season oh wtf sandy fookin koufax'd get toasted in that ballpark the rangers should move the fences back to fort worth if they ever wanna win anything what else what else goddammit i have me a sweet tooth and i want some cupcakes why won't ebeanezer scrooge put some tasty xmas cupcakes in my stocking come on billy get it done there's opposing lineups and postgame buffet spreads to annihilate don't we need someone comin back with some hardware on the hand to motivate the up and comin youngsters to excellence oops i forgot we don't win 80 games again until bart goes to san jose this team's seemingly intentional obsolescence is starting to grate on my very last nerve fiber like freddie krueger nails on ten thousand blackboards exactly how do we plan on getting more than 300 a night at the Coli with a team like this did i miss something did jake "less reliable offense than michael j" fox change the name to jimmie and add an x did aaron "sylvia" miles receive henry aaron's brain in a miraculous medical procedure i missed due to the fact that all the stories on yahoo news are about what haircut miley cyrus got is the secret plan to make cust manager and draw on his life experience at baseball camp teaching uncoordinated kids to hit these are the questions that try men's souls shit if you can't get me blanton back can i at least have bobby abreu so we'll have one solitary proven threat to do anything worth watching in the lineup fuck i'd take guerrero just so when we went on the road people might actually recognize any of our players this team is like the baseball equivalent of george orwell we are rebuilding we have always been rebuilding we will always be at war with east scioscia miguel tejada bobblehead futures are up a quarter of a quarter of a quarter percent next they'll put subliminals into all the Coliseum signage that say sleep obey marry and reproduce buy tickets don't ask questions like john carpenter's they live only the aliens are the principal owner and his intergalactic cabal from planet southbay